This morning… I’m tired

I’m tired.

I thought I was going to visit a new church this morning. Listened to a few messages from the church and they seem good. Talked with Beloved about it last night – she thinks it may be a church someone already told her about – and God told her back then not to go there. Sigh – and then Beloved said it herself. I don’t like people. And then I am left feeling like I shouldn’t even bother.

Last night she told me about the frustrations with people that she encountered in the day. Then go to a movie, more comments about people. Then someone sits down in front of her and she has to move her feet from the seat back, and more comments. After movie she comments that she was shoving her foot into the seat of him.

And no men’s group – she has too much homework and will supposedly be working on it tonight. If she is not too tired or frustrated or whatever.

Sigh. It is tiring. Just confessing this would be high treason to her. I know it sounds harsh. But best telling You about it Daddy, because You care and You can set me free from these feelings.

So Daddy – I’m telling You about it. I’m tired today. I love her – truly. But this morning I’m tired.

You are my strength. You are my life.

Thank You Father for your spirit. Thank You for your life. Thank You for loving people.

We need it.

Emotional Whiplash

Wow – just had my emotional clock turned back 2 years and 5 years. How easily the mind and heart can be pushed around by some words.

I love you.
I hate you.
I’m not attracted to you.
You hurt me.
You are not a good father or husband.
F@*# you, always a classic.
You don’t protect me.

Sigh. I thought we had grown past some of this. Not sure right now. It was pretty overwhelming.

I was venerable, admitting mistakes I learned and then wham.

I am sad you hurt. I care for you. I do love you. Maybe not good enough or the right way – who knows. I am sad that many things and many people hurt you. I don’t go looking for ways – but it still happens.

So here I am stuck with baggage and junk I thought we left behind.

What do I do with it and where do I go.

I can’t fill the canyon.

Lord help me – I have a lot of run away thoughts right now and are out of control and not obedient to You.

But one thought I do have – and I hold on to is that You love me – faults and all and You are not afraid and You are peace.

So I’m going to hang with You. Hold me Jesus, I’m shaking like a leaf. You are my King of Glory — won’t You be my Prince of Peace.