Living with the crazy

Living with the crazy.

It never ends.  Every day is filled with surprise.

None of it is a surprise to You, and for that I am grateful – for You are with me in the midst of it.

Every day there are new twists and wrinkles and only You are constant, stable, and faithful.

The restlessness, the discontent, unhappiness, boredom, bondage, anger that surround me.  It can become too much if I ever tried to face it apart from You.

My son. Even now he is stalking around, bored and restless, but yet there is so much he needs to do. Priorities are askew. He won’t let me touch those areas in any shape or form. Anger bubbling under the surface. Unhappy. He is not willing to look to You, because of misunderstandings about You he picked up from various people that have tried to represent You – including me unfortunately. He wants You to dance to his tune and cries out to You to meet him on his terms. And You don’t – of course not. You call us to your song, your plans, your purposes, as it should be.  When we respond to You – there is life. When we expect You to respond to us on our terms, there is death.

I’m tired of the death.  He admits he has no idea of who he is – but will not face it. Not yet. It tires me out watching him. That is why I must look to You. All eyes are You Lord, all eyes are on You.

My wife.  Even just this week – and past few weeks – she is distant and frustrated. Relationships and the navigation of them escape her. She is hurt. Frustrated.  Anger bubbling under the surface. Unhappy. She is not willing to look to You, because of misunderstandings about You she picked up from various people that have tried to represent You – including me unfortunately. She wants You to dance to her tune and cries out to You to meet her on her terms. And You don’t – of course not. You call us to your song, your plans, your purposes, as it should be.  When we respond to You – there is life. When we expect You to respond to us on our terms, there is death.

I’m tired of the death.  She is a deep well that only You can fill.  I used to think I could. Silly me. But You showed me I can’t.  When she drops her guard and pours out her frustrations – they are the same. People disappoint her. You disappoint her. She is hurt and feels unloved and cared for. Threatened. She must defend and take care of herself. I try to meet her there – share the burden. But it always results with my dropping the balls. And her being mad and hurt about it.

She hates the silence. I am slower to speak now. Not in a rush for quick answers and really only want to say what I sense You want me to say. No easy answers. But she hates the silence. I also am not going to argue or push an agenda. I have nothing new to say. It is all You. You are the answer, you are the acceptance and love, you are the joy, you are the peace.  She can not stand the silence and when I will not speak, or engage in the same arguments – it reflects rejection on her. She feels like she has gone as far as she will go with You because she does not hear You. That You have been silent. She will not subject herself to that again – or subject herself to the representations that others have instilled into her life. It tires me out sometimes. That is why I must look to You. All eyes are You Lord, all eyes are on You.

Living with the crazy is unstable. Never knowing if the night will bring peace and unity – or strife and division. But You are always peace. You are always unity. Never knowing where the next argument will boil up. The next immature impulse will raise it’s head – demanding to be met and listened to. But You are stability and a freaking rock fortress that is not shaken. You are granite. Thank You, praise You!

It seems at times I am very alone in this. I have good friends You have placed in my life. But in the midst of these storms – there is only so much they can do. And they do – but it is a very lonely feeling to be told “F*CK OFF” or any other numerous combination of  expletives and curses hurled at me. But then, I turn my ear toward You – and You speak  life and destroy the death. And I am not alone. Never.

Living in the crazy. With You, all things are possible.