This morning… I’m tired

I’m tired.

I thought I was going to visit a new church this morning. Listened to a few messages from the church and they seem good. Talked with Beloved about it last night – she thinks it may be a church someone already told her about – and God told her back then not to go there. Sigh – and then Beloved said it herself. I don’t like people. And then I am left feeling like I shouldn’t even bother.

Last night she told me about the frustrations with people that she encountered in the day. Then go to a movie, more comments about people. Then someone sits down in front of her and she has to move her feet from the seat back, and more comments. After movie she comments that she was shoving her foot into the seat of him.

And no men’s group – she has too much homework and will supposedly be working on it tonight. If she is not too tired or frustrated or whatever.

Sigh. It is tiring. Just confessing this would be high treason to her. I know it sounds harsh. But best telling You about it Daddy, because You care and You can set me free from these feelings.

So Daddy – I’m telling You about it. I’m tired today. I love her – truly. But this morning I’m tired.

You are my strength. You are my life.

Thank You Father for your spirit. Thank You for your life. Thank You for loving people.

We need it.

Emotional Whiplash

Wow – just had my emotional clock turned back 2 years and 5 years. How easily the mind and heart can be pushed around by some words.

I love you.
I hate you.
I’m not attracted to you.
You hurt me.
You are not a good father or husband.
F@*# you, always a classic.
You don’t protect me.

Sigh. I thought we had grown past some of this. Not sure right now. It was pretty overwhelming.

I was venerable, admitting mistakes I learned and then wham.

I am sad you hurt. I care for you. I do love you. Maybe not good enough or the right way – who knows. I am sad that many things and many people hurt you. I don’t go looking for ways – but it still happens.

So here I am stuck with baggage and junk I thought we left behind.

What do I do with it and where do I go.

I can’t fill the canyon.

Lord help me – I have a lot of run away thoughts right now and are out of control and not obedient to You.

But one thought I do have – and I hold on to is that You love me – faults and all and You are not afraid and You are peace.

So I’m going to hang with You. Hold me Jesus, I’m shaking like a leaf. You are my King of Glory — won’t You be my Prince of Peace.

Dear Daddy, do You have a moment? Of course You do!

Hey Dad, I need to talk to you.

I am sick and tired of weekends. I do not look forward to them. I am tired of cleaning up messes behind 6 other people, who DO NOT clean up their messes. (I did not say never, because once in while Tonya does a load of dishes or makes an unwilling kid do it) but way more often than not I am the dishwasher. and clothes washer. and litter box cleaner. and dog poo cleaner. and guinea pig cage cleaner (I did not even want to have that rodent – Tonya did – now the thing is attached to me and squeaks at me for food and water, and the funny part is attention too)

I hate pancake mix that does not get cleaned out of a bowl after it is done with because it turns to concrete. But it does get poured onto other dishes as it is dropped in the sink with other dishes of the past 2 days. I hate the trash that gets thrown around. I need to tie a trash bag to each kid as they awake in the morning so they can throw crap away. I am tired of feeling like (note the use of feeling like) I am the only one who cleans around here.

I hate weeks when I have to work in the office because I cannot do any house work during the week. Because more often than not, it will not be done. I hate summer when everyone is home to make more messes, there is no reset. Even the cleaning I am doing now will be shot before bed time tonight. Sigh.

I am also reminded on weekends that my lot is still a father of 6 children, one of whom who looks like my soon to be 40 year old wife. She tries, she desires, she feels guilty because she wants to be more. And it is better, but still offended at the wrong look from someone. Still offended by God, and me occasionally.

Why or why Carl do you not have the kids do more work? Expect more of Tonya? I have heard that both in my head and out of others mouths. Because of the strife it generates, thank you very much. It is literally easier to do it myself. Otherwise I would be talking to You Daddy about how mad everyone is. So many things lead to anger and strife responses in this family, my family. Even having a comment about how often I clean the litter box and if the cheap Wal Mart litter is as good as the Fresh Step is interpreted and processed by my Beloved as an “argument”. Holy crap – it was not a argument. We have had plenty of those.

So before I return to the second load of dishes, third load of clothes, cleaning the bathrooms and liter boxes, before cleaning the guinea pig cage, and whatever else I find and before I piss anyone off – let me say THANK YOU Daddy.

Daddy thank you for a family to serve. Thank you for 5 children. I still am not sure how it all fits together that You have given me this quiver. Thank you for my wife. You say he who finds a wife finds a good thing. You do not qualify what type or behavior of the wife because You are not concerned about such things. I have a good friend, good lover, and good wife. I love her.

Thank you for knowing that as I tell you all these things – Your response is not suck it up. Your response it “I AM WITH YOU”. That is all I need. Your presence is enough and You are with me even now.

Thank You for the time – I must go and work some. But I love you Daddy – looking forward to worshiping You with a body of believers – brothers and sisters I hardly know but will have all eternity to hang out with. Thank you that dirty clothes and dishes do end in a fiery blaze ( or do they – maybe we just enjoy it more on the other side).

Living with the crazy

Living with the crazy.

It never ends.  Every day is filled with surprise.

None of it is a surprise to You, and for that I am grateful – for You are with me in the midst of it.

Every day there are new twists and wrinkles and only You are constant, stable, and faithful.

The restlessness, the discontent, unhappiness, boredom, bondage, anger that surround me.  It can become too much if I ever tried to face it apart from You.

My son. Even now he is stalking around, bored and restless, but yet there is so much he needs to do. Priorities are askew. He won’t let me touch those areas in any shape or form. Anger bubbling under the surface. Unhappy. He is not willing to look to You, because of misunderstandings about You he picked up from various people that have tried to represent You – including me unfortunately. He wants You to dance to his tune and cries out to You to meet him on his terms. And You don’t – of course not. You call us to your song, your plans, your purposes, as it should be.  When we respond to You – there is life. When we expect You to respond to us on our terms, there is death.

I’m tired of the death.  He admits he has no idea of who he is – but will not face it. Not yet. It tires me out watching him. That is why I must look to You. All eyes are You Lord, all eyes are on You.

My wife.  Even just this week – and past few weeks – she is distant and frustrated. Relationships and the navigation of them escape her. She is hurt. Frustrated.  Anger bubbling under the surface. Unhappy. She is not willing to look to You, because of misunderstandings about You she picked up from various people that have tried to represent You – including me unfortunately. She wants You to dance to her tune and cries out to You to meet her on her terms. And You don’t – of course not. You call us to your song, your plans, your purposes, as it should be.  When we respond to You – there is life. When we expect You to respond to us on our terms, there is death.

I’m tired of the death.  She is a deep well that only You can fill.  I used to think I could. Silly me. But You showed me I can’t.  When she drops her guard and pours out her frustrations – they are the same. People disappoint her. You disappoint her. She is hurt and feels unloved and cared for. Threatened. She must defend and take care of herself. I try to meet her there – share the burden. But it always results with my dropping the balls. And her being mad and hurt about it.

She hates the silence. I am slower to speak now. Not in a rush for quick answers and really only want to say what I sense You want me to say. No easy answers. But she hates the silence. I also am not going to argue or push an agenda. I have nothing new to say. It is all You. You are the answer, you are the acceptance and love, you are the joy, you are the peace.  She can not stand the silence and when I will not speak, or engage in the same arguments – it reflects rejection on her. She feels like she has gone as far as she will go with You because she does not hear You. That You have been silent. She will not subject herself to that again – or subject herself to the representations that others have instilled into her life. It tires me out sometimes. That is why I must look to You. All eyes are You Lord, all eyes are on You.

Living with the crazy is unstable. Never knowing if the night will bring peace and unity – or strife and division. But You are always peace. You are always unity. Never knowing where the next argument will boil up. The next immature impulse will raise it’s head – demanding to be met and listened to. But You are stability and a freaking rock fortress that is not shaken. You are granite. Thank You, praise You!

It seems at times I am very alone in this. I have good friends You have placed in my life. But in the midst of these storms – there is only so much they can do. And they do – but it is a very lonely feeling to be told “F*CK OFF” or any other numerous combination of  expletives and curses hurled at me. But then, I turn my ear toward You – and You speak  life and destroy the death. And I am not alone. Never.

Living in the crazy. With You, all things are possible.

Great I Am

Another song. Heard it twice at church in past 3 weeks. I so look forward to being a part of the assembly in heaven and entering in to the praise of the only One who is worthy of my attention, praise, adoration, and worship. This song taps into that for me.

Great I Am

Jared Anderson – New Life Worship

VERSE 1
I want to be close close to Your side
So Heaven is real and death is a lie
I want to hear voices of angels above
Singing as one

CHORUS
Hallelujah holy holy
God Almighty great I AM
Who is worthy none beside Thee
God Almighty great I AM

VERSE 2
I want to be near near to Your heart
Loving the world and hating the dark
I want to see dry bones living again
Singing as one

BRIDGE The mountains shake before You
The demons run in fear
At the mention of the name King of Majesty
There is no power in hell or
Another who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the great I AM

© 2011 Integrity Worship Music/ASCAP
CCLI#5881491

Video:  http://youtu.be/dGv5d8EE34k

Am I doing something wrong?

Daddy,

Am I doing something wrong?

My family is a wreck. Tonya is so hurt, frustrated, and angry. Caleb is so hurt, frustrated, and angry. Bethany is struggling. They seem very troubled and annoyed by anything that has to do with You, including me.

You gave me these children and my wife. You want me to love them and lead them and support them, through your power. Am I to be a channel of Your grace and life? Am I not being that somehow?

It seems the misconceptions they have about You are projected onto me. I know You’ve heard this before, but they are a stiff necked stubborn people. Am I doing something wrong?

Everything in my mind tells me I am. Even looking at the fruit in their lives and the family seems to indicate I am not leading. What does a shepherd do when it seems the sheep do not want to go where I feel they should?

I’m really tired Daddy. You are faithful and I constantly find life joy and peace in my relationship to You. But it also is drained and dried up very quickly as I am surrounded with the narcissism, anger, and strife.

Days like today, and this week attempt to drown and overwhelm me, but You, You are so faithful. So constant, so peaceful, so near me. Why can’t they see it, want in on it?

Why are they so angry and content to try and find answers in natural things. They are never satisfied with them.

I know You are for me, I know You are near me and will never leave me forsaken, even when they turn and run and cuss and fuss and misunderstand me. I know that even as I am writing this. You are my strength and shield.

So I am hurt and discouraged, but You heal me and strengthen and encourage me.

If in any way I am not representing You to them, please fix that in me. May I have eyes to see and ears to hear what You are doing so I can participate with You and stop my dead works.

If I am where You want me, then may I only find strength in You. To stand firm and stand.

I love you Daddy. You are my all in all and there is no other like you.

Wilderness

OK – so this whole wilderness thing. I like it!

I would love to go camping with You! How awesome is that! To be brought to a place where all other distractions are stripped away. Where the only choices are looking to You or looking at the rocks. I choose You! You provide all things in the wilderness and I can not depend on anything else.

Honestly everyday can be a wilderness without You. I have lived in wilderness apart from you so long. Now I want to go with You – to see the mighty things You are faithful to do.

You did not take the Hebrews out of Egypt, to test them – they tested You. You always intended to provide their needs. You had provision and care prepared. You wanted them to come camping with You to see your strength revealed in the liberation from Egypt. Then they would be your people and You would be their God. But first – You had to reveal their hearts – my heart – the fallen man’s heart that does not trust you. You brought the Law to them in the wilderness to school them in what they did not want to hear. That they could not depend on themselves – only you alone.

You did not bring them to the wilderness to die. You brought them there to bring them closer to You. Exodus 3 and 5 explain that it was to be brief and the pathway to the promised land.

But Psalm 78 and Hebrew 3 shows me they tested You. Their hardness of heart is what lead to their destruction. They did not know You or trust You.

Everyday is a wilderness potential for me, if I live it apart from You. You alone love me, and define me, and continue to redefine what I think about myself and others. When I depend on my own understanding and interpretation of life – very quickly the dry, dusty, desert winds blow into my experience. I do not want to stay in those dry places. I want to go with You where You want to lead me – pastures green and full of life.

I want to find myself trusting You more daily and place less confidence in my strength.

Again today I am overwhelmed. You are incredible. I love You!

Forever Reign

Incredible song I first heard in church yesterday. Love it  – singing it all day today.

 

Forever Reign
Hillsong United

Verse 1

You are good You are good
When there’s nothing good in me

You are love You are love
On display for all to see

You are light You are light
When the darkness closes in

You are hope You are hope
You have covered all my sin

Verse 2

You are peace You are peace
When my fear is crippling

You are true You are true
Even in my wandering

You are joy You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing

You are life You are life
In You death has lost it’s sting

Chorus

Oh I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Verse 3

You are more You are more
Than my words will ever say

You are Lord You are Lord
All creation will proclaim

You are here You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole

You are God You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

Bridge
My heart will sing
No other Name
Jesus
Jesus

You Amaze me

You amaze me. My heart, my soul, my being is overwhelmed by You.

There are days it seems I cannot even comprehend it. Today is such a day. These days are more frequent. Just the mere thought of You and who you are… I’m a wreck. But not in a bad way – in a way I feel truly known in the most deepest way I can possibly imagine – and I am accepted. When I stay in that place, I feel changed. The stuff that would try to convince me I am unacceptable melts, even is blasted, away.

But I am useless in the natural at those times. I have to stop and go on with being a husband, daddy, friend, co-worker. But I return changed – even if it is just a slight change, You have left your mark on me. And I can’t wait to return to You to be with You.

There is nothing in my life or experience that You – You are my… Pappa, Daddy, Father, shelter, fort, bread, water, air, everything – There is nothing you do not provide or do not have an answer for. I am overwhelmed. Even when I screw up, I can’t screw up too far beyond your reach and power to still work it out. Even my screw ups and complaints and weakness were foreseen by You – and your answer – Christ alone – Christ in me – Your Spirit which dwells in me richly – is enough. It boggles my mind when I meditate and focus on that. My mind turns to mush.

All I have to do is look and listen, You are there. All eyes belong on You. When I look full on in your eyes, I find strength. When I listen to your words, my perceptions are shifted, even as if, created anew. It is so incredible!

I had no idea, the first time I truly believed and trusted that I heard Your voice, what You started in me. I still can’t describe it. You spoke so often and so faithfully my whole life. I just did not know it was You. It is joyous thing to let go of my confidence in myself and fall into your hands. I know nothing. What I always thought was me “being good” was death. It separated me from You more and more. To quit being / striving / doing good is so much of a pleasure. Do place no confidence in myself – but to only listen and trust Your voice. I have never been so free. Nothing compares to it.

When I think of Christ alone being my hope of glory, I begin to see new glories. He truly is the all sufficient one. If I live, everything is covered and sufficient. If I die, well then that would be a awfully big adventure to quote Peter Pan. But I do not have to hasten that day, because living is becoming a awfully big adventure too. “To live is Christ” is more than enough of an adventure. Spending everyday searching for You in every aspect of my life. You are there to be found. Always.

I am so undone when I am with You. I am just a puddle of human stuff in Your presence. Thank You that you love human stuff. You find pleasure in us. Your glory is made known by loving us…loving me. It is so incredible the lengths You have gone to – to save (is there a better word) people. To find Your beloveds – to draw them close. It ruins me for so many other things that I used to find pleasure in. I am amazed that You have so invaded my thoughts and life, that everything fails in comparison to You.

Being a husband, a father, movies, TV, entertainment, stories, books, classes, scouts, doing good, being pleased with the good I do, hiding my bad, being pleased with hiding my bad (yikes), ALL the distractions that made up my life before hearing your Voice are melting in their influence over me and the attention I pay them. Even church – even the songs we sing, and the words spoken about You, seem so shallow compared to the times I get to spend with You one on one. And since You are always with me – I do not even have to get to a place to be with You. You just come busting in when a mere thought of You and who you are wafts through my thoughts. I am disappointed with so many things I hear that seem to misrepresent You. Even things I have said that misrepresent you or cannot even seem to come close to expressing you. Things that are mixtures of a moment of enlightened inspiration created by You, then propped up to support it and keep the “thing” going. You can sustain what You create. Why are we so afraid You won’t? You have truly ruined me. And I am glad.

You are so amazing and awesome – I can easily swing from my packaged, life long, “Arminian” ideas about You to a more “Calvanistic” idea about you. That amazes me that I could totally still be captured by You if have predestined and predetermined everything – because if you did it – then it is good. Somehow. Even if I do not understand. I am very surprised the past few months how You have challenged even my ideas of how I was saved. The very thing I have always wanted to hold on to – to prove something, anything – I am willing letting go. You saved me – I had nothing to do with it. I love it. I love you, because You love me. That alone blows me away and You come flooding into my mind.

Don’t know why I am writing all this. Maybe so I can read it later and make sense of it. Maybe so I can try to begin expressing what is boiling over in my innermost being. Who knows. Well You do. And it really doesn’t matter to me – cause you would tell me about it if it does.

I love you – and it just keeps getting better.

Sound of Your Name

New song on the top of my playlist now. Just enjoying this, and the entire CD. Here is the story of the song from the writer:

“I wrote “Sound Of Your Name” while I was employed at my church. So essentially, it’s a very personal song that came out of my “burn out” as they call it. “Sound Of Your Name” is about being humbled by God. I so often find myself trying to reach God on my own strength or goodness, but the end result is always frustration, exhaustion, and burn out. The good thing is, each time this happens I’m reminded that it’s by grace we’re saved and not of ourselves. I thank God that He’s there to pick me up every time I fall, and it’s because of His love, His goodness, and His works that I’m moved by the Sound Of His Name!” – Michael Watson (Above The Golden State)

Sound of Your Name
Above The Golden State

I tried and tried
A thousand times I tried to get to You
But I could never move
I had to lie
I’d fall behind and blame it all on You
‘Cause I still hate to lose
Oh … oh … oh
Oh … oh … oh

Towers fall and kingdoms crumble
Mountains bow and the earth will tremble
At the sound of Your name
The sound of Your name
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
The plans he made were bound to stumble
And only You remain
Only You remain
Oh … oh … oh

I cried and cried
A thousands tears I cried because of You
I lost my one excuse
I had to die
Along with everything inside of me removed
But now I live with You
Oh … oh … oh

Towers fall and kingdoms crumble
Mountains bow and the earth will tremble
At the sound of Your name
The sound of Your name
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
The plans he made were bound to stumble
And only You remain
Only You remain

So man can reach the sky
If he builds his own device
But still he’s far away from You
He’s underneath Your eyes
As he plans his own demise
What’s new to him is old to You
Oh … oh … oh
Oh … oh … oh

His kingdom fell and his heart was troubled
I feel the same, I feel the same
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
He demands a man who won’t stumble
And that’s why He came
And that’s why He came

Towers fall and kingdoms crumble
Mountains bow and the earth will tremble
At the sound of Your name
The sound of Your name
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
The plans he made were bound to stumble
And only You remain
Only You remain
Only You remain
Only You remain
Oh… oh…

Written by Michael Watson © 2008 Birdwing Music (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) (ASCAP)

Sound of Your Name
by Above The Golden State

I tried and tried
A thousand times I tried to get to You
But I could never move
I had to lie
I’d fall behind and blame it all on You
‘Cause I still hate to lose
Oh … oh … oh
Oh … oh … oh

Towers fall and kingdoms crumble
Mountains bow and the earth will tremble
At the sound of Your name
The sound of Your name
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
The plans he made were bound to stumble
And only You remain
Only You remain
Oh … oh … oh

I cried and cried
A thousands tears I cried because of You
I lost my one excuse
I had to die
Along with everything inside of me removed
But now I live with You
Oh … oh … oh

Towers fall and kingdoms crumble
Mountains bow and the earth will tremble
At the sound of Your name
The sound of Your name
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
The plans he made were bound to stumble
And only You remain
Only You remain

So man can reach the sky
If he builds his own device
But still he’s far away from You
He’s underneath Your eyes
As he plans his own demise
What’s new to him is old to You
Oh … oh … oh
Oh … oh … oh

His kingdom fell and his heart was troubled
I feel the same, I feel the same
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
He demands a man who won’t stumble
And that’s why He came
And that’s why He came

Towers fall and kingdoms crumble
Mountains bow and the earth will tremble
At the sound of Your name
The sound of Your name
The strong man falls to Him who humbles
The plans he made were bound to stumble
And only You remain
Only You remain
Only You remain
Only You remain
Oh… oh…

Written by Michael Watson © 2008 Birdwing Music (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) (ASCAP)

Behind the Song:
“I wrote “Sound Of Your Name” while I was employed at my church. So essentially, it’s a very personal song that came out of my “burn out” as they call it. “Sound Of Your Name” is about being humbled by God. I so often find myself trying to reach God on my own strength or goodness, but the end result is always frustration, exhaustion, and burn out. The good thing is, each time this happens I’m reminded that it’s by grace we’re saved and not of ourselves. I thank God that He’s there to pick me up every time I fall, and it’s because of His love, His goodness, and His works that I’m moved by the Sound Of His Name!” – Michael Watson (Above The Golden State)